Just like your local Al-Qaeda mosque, you’ll be lucky to leave this film without having your brains splattered across the walls. Not in a literal way though, but in that transcendental Jesus sort of way; as in, your brains will be blown up spiritually as you feel the visceral message of Jesus communicated through Vin Diesel’s biceps as he punches sin out of the aliens.
Vin Diesel is short spoken, just like Christ was. As you know, most of Jesus teachings were one-liners, that usually began with “Thou shalt not”. However, this being a modern jesus story, Vin Diesel utilizes his thespian talents to condence the gospel into verbal H-bombs such as “Ouch, That’s GOTTA hurt”, or “You’ll Never Get Me,Suckers!” To give this movie an Oscar would be like giving God a pat on the back for a job well done – god doesn’t need props for his omnipotence, but a blowjob would probably be nice. This movie, upon being watched, automatically qualifies you as a Christian. So if you are an Indian, and tired of Vishnu giving you food poisoning every December 25th, or if you’re a suicide bomber who’d rather decorate eggs during Spring instead of decorating the western world with limbs – see the movie and consider yourself a new man, as you are now, irrevocably, a God-fearing, Riddick-loving, Christian. And while you’re at it, kill yourself.
