'You call the shots now Barney, Daddy's getting wasted'
DBI has information from very reliable sources that Osama bin Laden will be “found” before the Presidential Election takes place in November. A microwave located in the White House (and cousin of DBI’s Inspecto Eternale) reportedly overheard a conversation between George W. Bush and some of his top aides late Saturday night. The liquored up President, though sometimes undecipherable, called his aides into the kitchen for privacy’s sake, and laid out the planned “finding” of Osama. Apparently Osama was already actually found, about two weeks after Sadaam’s capture in December, but was kept in holding and the event went unreported in a clever move of strategery from the Bush camp. He explained to them all that he and Dick Cheney had been keeping this a secret until now for security reasons, but that they needed the aides’ help on how to make the announcement and for the sake of media spin. Despite the incredibly late meeting time and, as the President himself put it, “On account of me being wasted and all,” the plan was clearly very serious and all-too-true. Wreaking of Wild Turkey, slurring, and constantly repeating to his aides that wasn’t “just saying all this because I’m coked up and hammered,” George outlined a plan that would announce that Osama had been captured on October 26th, just one week before the election.
To avoid a second DUI, sometimes George Bush lets the First Dog, Barney, drive
The announcement of such a huge victory in Bush’s War on Terror coupled with his proposal to eliminate the Internal Revenue Service will win him the election in a surprising landslide, leaving teary-eyed Democrats drinking and mainlining their sorrows away all over the country. Just as Bush began to explain exactly how Osama was caught, he popped in his third $.99 burrito of the night into the microwave, rendering the Microwave’s sense of hearing temporarily out of service while he cooked. Once the burrito was finished cooking and George was finished ravenously devouring it, he sent the aides off to begin their exhaustive job of preparing the announcement. Luckily for the microwave, George had one last drunken zinger in him before leaving the room himself. He stopped his aides just as they exited and announced, “While were giving away secrets… I’m gay!” George then fell to the floor and laughed himself to tears, repeating the statement over and over until all of his consultants were gone. Lucky for you, the DBI reader, we’ve got robot eyes and ears all over the country digging up the dirt for you. So in mid-October, when your friend rushes in your room or your co-worker peeks over your cubicle to tell you the big news, simply laugh out loud, punch them in the face, and say, “I knew that already, asshole.”
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