A nervous DBI intern hands James McGreevey the news that he has won 'Human of the Week'
Well it was about time! New Jersey governor James McGreevey announced publicly yesterday that he is in fact a homosexual, and due to his extramarital affair with another male human, he would be resigning from his position. In this, the era of the press conference, what better a place to admit to the world that you have cheated on your wife by fucking another human male in his ass than a nationally televised media affair? That is why James McGreevey is our Human of the Week.
In an overly rehearsed twelve-minute speech, McGreevey begrudgingly broke down the details of his affair with an Israeli ass clown. But he did not just come out and say it, no, instead he chose to beat around the bush, as he had been doing for years, and delay the actual announcement until the fourth minute of his rhetoric laden speech about individualism. Just one day after Cleveland Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia called his own press conference to admit that despite the extra locker he uses every year for makeup, he in fact was not gay– James McGreevey flipped the proverbial script on his family, friends and colleagues, undoubtedly ruining his wife and two daughters’ lives in the process.
McGreevey (left) and his lover (center) make a rare and covert public appearance together
After an insane amount of buildup, McGreevey let out one of the funniest sentences spoken by a human all year: “I am a gay American.” As the last syllable fell from his lips an audible gasp could be heard from the audience, and blood spilled from the eyes of a black security guard in the background. Watching it with my new girlfriend, a microwave, I thought to myself, “I would have guessed a gay Frenchman, or maybe a gay Canadian, but never a gay American.” But the facts were there in front of me. Maintaining a coy, peek-a-boo smile throughout, McGreevey rattled off a seven-minute-long list of people’s whose lives he had ruined, truly a classic moment in the annals of human history.
As the conference drew to a close, McGreevey’s first wife in British Columbia and his previous girlfriends throughout the country could be heard screaming, “I knew it!” But all is not lost for McGreevey. To honor his intense gayness and propensity to cause pain in other humans, sometimes right up the keister, James McGreevey is the DBI Human of the Week.
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