The entire process known as the "job hunt" has been an arduous experience. After graduating from Devry University, where I was both built and educated, I figured I could walk into any office and secure a well-paying job. The way I saw it, I am a calculator, a meth-lab, and an internet portal all in one – a winning conglomerate of technologies. What productivity-obsessed manager wouldn't want the ability to neglect sleep for weeks, do long division and query the internet to verify those calculations? More importantly, I am punctual, reliable, and a noted water-cooler presence. My Monday conversations about 'Sopranos' are not only insightful, but action packed--as a video screen installed into my chest allows for replays of key scenes from the night before. I even put a Tivo in my ass last month (I’m planning on installing it later this weekend).
And yet, I search Monster.com all day long, and sit restlessly by the cellular phone installed in my thigh--only to have it never ring...or vibrate. I thought I landed a job with a fancy company selling mortgages over the phone, but they gave the job to some hot piece of human ass who graduated from SUNY Buffalo. She was wearing a tube top and openly flirted with the boss. I tried using similar tactics the next day, by showing up without my brass head-plate on. I shoved it in the Human Resource fella's face only to frighten him with my exposed circuitry. The boss barely even noticed. Tragic stuff.
I've begun looking at myself from an objective point of view. Am I as charismatic as "Tommy" from "The Casino"? No. I can't be...due to the fact I am made of metal and screws. He is a master greeter, and a wonderful human. I am a cold piece of scrap metal, and have a monotone voice.
Am I as smart and witty as "Hollywood Squares" host Tom Bergeron? No. He has intangibles in his personality– that I can't match. Once again, I am composed of rods and wires. So, what can I offer? I'm not sure. I have begun searching JDate.com lately, figuring a new girlfriend would shed some light on my situation. But just like my inquiries to HotJobs.com and the folks over at McDonalds, there have been no takers.
I guess I just have to keep on trucking along. You know the old saying "Robot Juice is the Nectar of the Tree"? Well, in my world, it is winter, and the fallen leaves have left my branches barren. Barren and jobless: a robot without a drive.
