John Kerry defrosts another corpse for a carb-free snack
Let me start this diatribe of truth by reminding our readers that John Kerry is in fact a robot, an integral aspect of my story. The topic of this article is especially important in the aftermath of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign, as Republicans now distance themselves and parry any topic other than September 11th. Since for some reason Senator John Kerry is afraid to stand up for himself tell the truth about his service in Vietnam, I've decided to take matters into my own metal hands. For the past month I've heard nothing but lies and innuendo, some of it sexual innuendo, regarding Kerry's service in Vietnam. As President Bush and his trust fund, coked up corporate lackies continue to defame Kerry's destructive and intensely murderous service in Vietnam, I have grown both sick and tired of this tomfoolery. So what is that makes me most mad about this smear campaign? Is that what you just asked me you fucking little punk? Well, let me tell you.
Amstel Light: The cocky asshole's light beer
I know for a fact that John Kerry did not rightfully win any of his Purple Hearts, and I know this because John Kerry is an indestructible robot, and therefore cannot be injured. In Vietnam, Kerry burnt down entire villages whenever he got bored, stabbed children in their eyes, and raped over two thousand Vietnamese women, producing two hundred and seventeen illegitimate half human, half robot children. Kerry enjoyed his tours in Vietnam so much in fact, that he often goes back there in order to kill, pillage and rape to this very day. He even manages to squeeze painful smiles out of his long, wrinkled fake-skin face while razing villages. He didn’t deserve any of the Purple Hearts because he was never injured in combat, or anywhere else. But at the time, bot Kerry was smart, and thinking of his future. When he returned from combat, he denounced his behavior overseas, and demanded that he be given three Purple Hearts to legitimize his time as an American soldier. The Army obliged, and there you have it: the truth. So all the President's men can go back to doing cocaine and telling people exaggerated, self-aggrandizing stories of their past while grinding their teeth, smoking Marlboro Reds and sipping dirty martinis and Amstel Lights with prostitutes.
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