Maria Shriver poses while covered in Arnold's robot semen
Last week I had the pleasure of watching the discourse of two dead humans on national television. As you might assume, nothing could have made me happier. Maria Shriver, a skeleton, set out on the painful course of interviewing a corpse, the magician turned invalid, Roy Horn. Her task: tell the story of a gay Las Vegas magician who had a stroke and was bitten by a tiger at the same time– all without laughing during the interview. During the hour-long freak show Maria Shriver called an interview, I had to fight back my gasoline tears from the hilarity of this human’s predicament. Who’d have ever thought that all those years of prancing around stage in fake diamond studded jumpsuits would one day tucker old Roy Horn out to the point of a stroke? And who in their right mind would have the common sense to think that tigers are dangerous? Not these ass-fondling magicians. So when, in the midst of a performance, Roy Horn fell to the stage suffering from a stroke due to high blood pressure, his beloved tiger Montecore picked his flimsy carcass up by the neck and dragged him offstage. Here is where robots come hilariously into play.
A robot labors to transport Roy Horn's fabulously defective body
First a stagehand used a fire extinguisher named Ricardo to convince Montecore to loosen his death grip. Next an ambulance named Todd picked Roy up from the Mirage hotel, and sped off for the hospital. But in a hilarious twist, a train named Arnold impeded Todd the ambulance’s path, causing his human driver to seek a different route. From there Roy’s life was in the hands of incompetent, second rate Las Vegas doctors fresh from strip clubs and craps tables, and of course life saving machines pumping fluids into his system. To see Roy Horn today is to view crushed human arrogance at its finest. Horn, once a vibrant, promiscuous gay human, is now relegated to a motorized wheelchair who, incidentally, my cousin used to date before he got the gig. Half of his human corpse does not work, and an action as simple as kicking a soccer ball to his gay lover Seigfried brings pathetically large amounts of joy to his life. Let this be a lesson to the humans of the world: Never– actually, you know what, fuck it. Keep playing with large jungle cats. They are awesome dude!
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