Instead of helping a girl with an eating disorder, Dr. Phil sold her a poster.
Oh the wonders of television! How a simple flick of a channel can change the complexion of a day. Just the other evening I sat down with a bowl of batteries and a thirty-ounce big gulp of antifreeze to watch Dr. Phil's two-hour primetime special. That's right, two hours! The bald, fat, white human has really managed to make a name for the name that Oprah Winfrey made for him. Normally, watching Dr. Phil fix human families is akin to watching the morbidly obese Michael Moore chastise America for over-consumption. But this night was different, because this was a two-hour long infomercial for Dr. Phil’s new book Family First, thinly disguised as a primetime episode of his normal show, which he has for some reason. As he rooted through various families’ emotional garbage, attempting to turn their sorry lives into the fruitful television models of a happy home, Phil maintained a constant undercurrent of subtle references to his book. Here’s an example:
Hideously fat mother of three horrible children: Dr. Phil, I don’t know what to do. My family is in as bad of shape as the half-fixed cars littering my back yard. Please help.
Dr. Phil: Firstly, let me say that with your family, you need to get things in order, like first, second, and third. When I visited with the First Family, President Bush told me of a similar time in his life. You know what I told him? Put the family first. Which reminds me, there is a great new book out now which might do the trick. Oh, here it is. (Pulls out a copy of his new book Family First from his underpants)
George Bush kisses a Negro for the first time while a jealous Dick Cheney sulks in the background.
So why is Phil this popular in America? Because when Americans aren’t trying to live vicariously through celebrities, they’re glued to the TV for another reason: trying to find solutions to the bevy of problems they’ve been told they have. This is where Dr. Phil comes in, fat, bald, and ambiguously gay as he is, and instructs these people on how to get their unimportant lives in order. One such family, clearly the highlight of the episode, had a child that the entire household was afraid of. Some of his antics included setting small fires, bloodying his sisters' mouths, and wiping his own feces on the walls. Dr. Phil informed the mother and father that their son possessed eight of the fourteen characteristics common to all serial killers, adding as a sidebar that
Jeffrey Dahmer only had six. He also informed them that his book, Family First, was available for purchase and would save the child’s life. The child has since been kidnapped by DBI.
Sources:
Jeffrey Dahmer: Serial Killer and Corpse Connoisseur
Dr. Phil's Book: Family First
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