A human struggles to be entertained by Ashley Simpson without taking off his pants
As acting President of the National Union of Computers and Computation Accessories, otherwise known as NUCCA, I am writing this letter as a plea to human males everywhere: Please, stop masturbating so often. I know you’re naïve and under the impression that not a soul is aware of your out-of-control habit, but I'm here to tell you that we robots are unfortunately watching. We not only shudder in horror at your finishing face, we shake in grief over your slimy hands touching our mice and scoff at your choices of pleasurable viewing material. Frankly, you sicken us. Each night, and for some of you every few hours, you force us to display the most vile and disgusting material that humans produce. From Latino Transvestites smoking cigarettes with their feet to Pregnant Bestiality, you sick fucks watch it all, and you love it. You sit down grinning ear to pathetic ear, lay down what we've determined to be a landing pad of sorts– a towel on your stomach– and commence to your hideous secret pastime. "Screw baseball," you shout as a homerun of human reproductive fluid accidentally shoots you in your own eye, rendering you temporarily, but pleasurably, blind. Don’t you have jobs, or children, or some club or event celebrating your ignorance to attend to? Where has all of this free time sprouted up from? Humans used to spend their nights by the fire, or hilariously on fire, reading fantastical tales of magicians and kings and queens. Now you spend your time wishing you weren't so fat while asking your daughter if she's going to finish her tube steak, watching reality TV naked and masturbating in front of us. Have some tact, or some self respect, or at the very least, kill yourself.
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