Our newest Human of the Week award goes to Andrew Veal, who killed himself at the World Trade Center the day after Bush won the election. This ambitious human convinced every media outlet of everything but the truth – it was all a big publicity stunt that immortalized an inconsequential human. Every media outlet rushed to report the event, and each twisted the reality of the situation to appeal to their target audience, while missing the truth altogether.
For instance, the Tearocrats at CNN were quick to report the noble nature of Veal’s suicide as being in protest to President Bush’s victory. On the other hand, the propaganda artists at FOX focused on the suicide note, which was addressed to the girlfriend, who Veal considered as being "too good" for him. The New York Post was not to be outdone, and in effort to appeal to its mostly drunk readers, focused on the Jack Daniels whiskey that was found by Veal’s corpse. Similarly, the Bravo network appealed to its audience by analyzing the head-wound’s ability to accommodate phallic objects.
Finally, it must be noted that he even had his idiotic friends fooled:
"I told his mother there are some people so sensitive and intelligent and passionate they don't belong in the world the way it is today," said Mary Anne Mauney, Veal’s boss. "And if this was something he had to do, it was heroic that he chose the World Trade Center."
Yes, quite the hero he was. More humans should make such to do lists. As for humans that actually do set themselves on fire in protest, please be sure to follow it through to fruition next time. No one will understand your message if you live!
