Ron Artest's shoe deal with L.A. Gear marked one of the most embarassing endorsements in robot history
I think it’s high time we just came out and said it: Ron Artest is a robot. And a damn good one at that. Did anyone else appreciate the level of riotous behavior he was able to incite in less than five minutes last Friday? I know I did. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, "Self, besides being a liberal conspiracy theorist crybaby, doesn’t it seem like DBI is just taking credit for Ron Artest because he recently did something outrageous?" Slap yourself in the face for that stupid question.
We are announcing that Ron Artest is a robot in the same manner we announce any famous robot: by waiting for them to make history first. With Arnold, we waited until he won the Governorship. With Kerry, we waited until he won the Democratic nomination. With Ricky, we waited until he quit the NFL to smoke weed. Now with Ron, we waited until he incited the largest riot in NBA history. Simple as that.
I met Ron at a cell phone’s birthday party about five years ago. At the time he was playing for the Chicago Bulls and wearing his jersey wherever he went. Surprised as I was to see him, I asked why he was at the party. He pulled off his jersey and pressed in on his outie bellybutton, popping open a panel on his chest. “Ron Artest is a robot!” I thought to myself. He explained to me that he was programmed to wreak havoc in professional basketball by making ill-advised decisions and playing tough defense. From then on I followed his career with a zest formerly reserved for package bubble wrap and Canola oil.
Artest poses with a child before ripping his arms off and eating his bookbag
Up until this season, Ron had been voted an All-Star, NBA Defensive Player of the Year, and been suspended seven times, once for smashing a television on the court that was talking shit to him during the game. To begin the year he changed his number to 91 in honor of Dennis Rodman, a subtle shout out to a former robotic baller. Next he asked for time off to finish a rap album he was making. But what people didn’t understand was, he was the machine used for making the beats, and the album couldn’t be made without him! Humans are so stupid for not realizing that. Due to Ron’s inferior vocabulary recognition chip (something installed to ensure street credibility), Ron didn’t understand what his coach meant when he called Ron’s behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the team.” Ignorant humans found this endearing. But last Friday night was certainly the coup de gras, as Ron viciously attacked numerous humans and ruined a perfectly good basketball game, as well as his team’s inflated hopes of winning an NBA Championship. So here’s to Ron Artest, a robot capable of dominating and ruining professional sporting events and sullying an entire sports’ image in a way that murderers, coach chokers, cocaine abusers, rapists and promiscuous A.I.D.S. patients have never been able to.
Please check out www.ronartest.com for all the grammatical errors and misspellings you can handle! Oh, and phat beats!
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