Let’s clarify a few things first: In 2002, West Virginia Lottery officials told human Jack Whittaker (that’s right snail, two t’s) that he had won $314 million. After he shot his rifle into the air one hundred times, Jack calmed down and was told that he could choose betwixt a lump sum of money right then or more money in smaller payments over a long period of time. Never one to exercise patience, or exercise, and intrigued by anything involving lumps, Jack chose the first option. That’s when the West Virginia State Lottery System pulled out a smelly old leather glove and smacked Jack across his fat face with the supreme joke of 2002: They only gave him $113 million, citing over $200 million removed for taxes! You see fellow robots, humans steal money from each other and call it taxes. Everyone realizes that it is silly, but if they were to change the law now, every state government would simultaneously be sued for back tax recuperation. It’s simple really.
So what do you think his wife Jewel had to say about all of this? That’s right, something so idiotic, so hackneyed, corny, and infantile that only a human could have uttered it: "I wish all of this never would have happened. I wish I would have torn the ticket up."
Keep wishing Jewel, keep wishing. But for now, take solace in your husband’s award.
DBI UPDATE 12/21/04: Jack's granddaughter Brandi was found dead today, wrapped in a large piece of plastic after a reported drug overdose. She was identified by the tattoos on her neck. Jack was passed out in a Las Vegas high roller suite and could not be reached for comment.
