Samuel Jackson relinquished any remnants of street cred by appearing in Star Wars
Just in time to play the perfect lead-in to the shortest month of the year, you know, Black History Month, rich white movie executives bring American humans… Coach Carter! This movie made me happy that I’m a black robot and not a black human. Much to my surprise, an old movie projector I used to date was showing the film. She acted like she didn’t see me when I waved, despite the fact that I am nine feet tall and made of shiny metal.
As for the movie, I really don’t know where to begin. Coach Carter is about a black high school where they have a great human basketball team. I know, I know, that’s unbelievable– it gets crazier, trust me. Samuel L. Jackson stars as Coach Carter, a disciplinarian who shows up to lay down the law on a group of tremendous but stupid black basketball players. He forces them to get above a 2.3, which anyone who has ever met a good human athlete knows is nearly impossible regardless of color. This causes outrage in the community, especially when he cancels a game because the players are failing classes. The black humans want their basketball game! Oh robot, the racism was thick in the theatre. I’m glad I don’t breathe oxygen.
Swore to himself when he moved
to Hollywood that he wouldn't play a blatant stereotype
These are the ideas that the rich white humans who made Coach Carter want viewers to take home. Firstly, they want to remind people that Samuel L. Jackson is not a dorky artistic loser with zero street cred or a tool of white aristocrat-run advertising and marketing agencies, that he’s actually cool. His Kangol hats and award show hosting ability give even dorkier dilettante college students
something to strive for. Next, they want to remind everyone that black humans are good at basketball, but not so hot in the classroom. But in order to be sneaky and placate black America, they give very vocal parts to one token Spanish player, named Jumping Bean Rodriguez, and one token white player, Layup McCracken. That should be enough to fool the viewers into a false sense of non-racist movie going comfort. Alright!
A Hollywood screenwriter suffering from writer's block searches the L.A. Zoo for an appropriate ending to Coach Carter
The movie features horrible acting and a trite subplot courtesy of Ashanti, who winds up pregnant outside of marriage (what?) and is “keeping the baby!” You go Ashanti, you just act your little sideburns off. Lines like “I came here to coach boys, and you came out men,” and “Thanks for teaching me to read Coach Carter,” will leave you on the edge of your sticky seat. Here, I’ll even ruin the ending for you: During the State Championship, with the star player benched for failing Homeroom and accepting money from Stereotype University and just three seconds to go, a giant hamster crashes through the gymnasium wall and scores a ten point basket to win the game. Then Chingy comes out with a dance troupe of scantily clad teenage girls and does a duet of “Baller Baby” with a hologram of Booker T. Washington. Wait a second, maybe this movie wasn’t just a horribly obvious bi-annual ploy to fabricate racial equality, make rich white people feel better about themselves for being secretly racist, and plug Samuel L. Jackson’s toughness, maybe it was a great comedy!
Blackbot does not actually see movies as horrible as Coach Carter, but he can travel into the future if he wants to, and he is skilled in the art of assumption.
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