So much has transpired since my last canister of gasoline. I really don’t know where to begin. Let me attempt to give you a robot’s rundown of the last week or two:
Humans Full of Gay Energy:
"My business partner, who is gay, and I were talking about how to corner the homosexual market and came up with the idea for a drink aimed specifically at gay men and women," said Michael Hutmacher.
"It really was just a crazy idea at first, but we've now come up with a product."
Cornering the market with a crazy idea sounds like my kind of party! To make sure I won’t pass out early, I’ll be guzzling Anheuser-Busch’s newest foray into the world of the urban yuppie: B-to-the-E. Just rolls off my metal tongue. It’s like Tupac got together with JFK Jr. and came up with a beer idea from Heaven.
You’ve Been Officially Served:
Police finally nabbed the BTK killer, a human named Dennis Rader. Black human communities across the country froze in their tracks, assuming the worst: B2K weren’t just a tremendous boy band, they were also serial killers. No, J Boog, Razz B, Omarion and Lil’ Fizz weren’t murderers known for binding and torturing their victims and killing them throughout Kansas, essentially “serving” the hell out of people over a three decade span. Alas, it was a crazy white human serial killer, as usual. The best part of this story came most recently, as Dennis Rader’s church decided to keep him as a member of the clergy even after he was charged with ten murders. What was even more surprising was that Rader used to be a Cub Scout leader.
One In, One Out:
Good Luck! In news of weird human celebrities getting out of jail and its effect on robots, Martha Stewart is free and will now be wearing an electronic ankle bracelet named Edgar. We’ll have an interview with him shortly.
Martha Stewart's Foray into Fashion
Dumbass Human Animal Lovers Getting What’s Coming to Them
A week ago I found out that PETA was crying about a 22-pound lobster in Pennsylvania, and how it deserved to be released back into the ocean. How they find out about this, we may never know. So they sent letters and vials of their tears to the restaurant owner, pleading with him to let the lobster free.
So they freed the lobster, and it died.
They were going to move him to a Ripley’s Museum anyway. Hilarious.
Upon hearing this, one PETA member drove to the former World Trade Center site and killed himself.
Then, just a couple of days ago, two animal lovers got their body parts handed to them by some angry chimps. St. James and LaDonna Davis just wanted to bring a birthday cake to their old chimpanzee friend Moe, who, unbeknownst to him, was celebrating his 39th birthday. “Lordy, lordy, looks who’s almost forty,” they must have sung to him. But all the singing and the glean of the cake icing infuriated two male teenage chimps, Buddy and Ollie, no doubt jealous of Moe’s chimpanzee convertible, human allies, and high-stakes day trading job. So what do you think Buddy and Ollie did? That’s right, they ripped off St. James’ foot, face and testicles, and dragged him down the road. This robot thinks they just did it to impress two female chimp cage-mates, Susie and Bones, who promptly escaped. Buddy and Ollie were shot down in a blaze of glory. This shows how important it is for humans to stay in close contact with wild animals like chimpanzees.
Handling Business
Speaking of birthday parties gone awry, this bit of news shows the frightening idiocy that humans possess. Just read it, there’s not much to say:
Well that’s all robots! Be on the lookout for a hot new trend coming your way soon: Waffles!
