Why yell for help when you are blacked out drunk and having a great time?
Spring Break! Ah. What a fabulous chance to shame yourselves humans, especially you Virginia. Slippery whore, always doubting the existence of Santa Clause. Of course spring break isn't all pointless debauchery and binge ignorance. Well, it was until Sunday night. Apparently, at least according to the CBS made-for-TV movie, sharks now pose a serious threat to herds of spring breakers who flock to tropical foreign locales and spread America's already stellar international name by passing out in piles of sandy vomit in favor of their luxurious hotel room beds. That's right folks. Sharks. And not just one renegade shark. Oh no, no, no. Dozens of them. Travel in packs, too. This fucking movie. It nearly fried my circuits.
Board members pretend to listen to a woman speak
Now, at some point in the last couple of months, a group of successful wealthy humans, respected in at least some facet of human society, sat down in their oak clad boardroom and decided it was a good idea to air this shark spring break movie on their television station. What's more horrifying is that the person who wrote this outrageous script now feels a sense of accomplishment in place of what should be buckets of shame and failure. I'll tell you something else. This movie is pro-death penalty. Why? The producer of this movie, whose name will remain anonymous for fear of giving him/her even more exposure, made it a point to have JT, the stereotypical rich frat boy date rapist, "Spring Break 2005!" yeller asshole eaten by a shark. His death was the only death that wasn't random. True, he did attempt to date rape a girl with sweet sweet roofies and his abs are anything but trustworthy, but did he really deserve to be sacrificed to a swarm of retarded unagile sharks? Yes. Yes he did. But I am pro-death penalty and I sure as hell don't want the shmucks behind this movie on my side.
Fucking 30 sharks attacking a floating platform of spring breakers. Keep it up America. No. Seriously. Rome fell. Complacent pompous pricks. 2008. At the latest. Osama Bin Laden will be whipping hicks across the bible belt for not lighting his hooka fast enough while Kim Ding Dong Jong II throws out the honorary first pitch at Wrigley Field - an American skull - before a sold out stadium of Nazi Asian Communists. I'll be in Australia. And stop asking so many god damn questions, Virginia. For Christ's sake, just fucking believe!
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