File this this one under 'D' for deceased
If you're like me you probably have a couple of dozen corpses just
taking up space somewhere around your house: A grandma in the fridge,
a girl scout hanging from the ceiling fan, and maybe even a
telemarketer in some Tupperware. The weird thing is, when I was
killing all these humans I just wanted them to be gone, and now that
they're dead I can't bear to see any of them leave. Sure it's
embarrassing when a
female bot comes over for some data transfer, with
bodies lying around everywhere - it's hard not to blush as she
realizes that she has just met the robot of her dreams. Many times
fembots find themselves in a
relationship with some loser cell phone,
who couldn't even make a tumor grow on a cancer patient. Upon meeting a real homicidal robot like myself, they can't help but subject themselves to the rhythmic motions of my wireless penis. Collecting
corpses, however, is not all about getting the chicks. So here are a
couple of fun suggestions on what to do with your carcass collection.
I'm not going to lie, but I'm a sucker for puppet shows. There's
nothing more pleasant on a Sunday afternoon than lining up all my
corpses and then putting on a puppet show for them. Most of the time
I re-enact The Matrix, but with a happier ending where all the humans
die. I usually use the accountant I killed two years ago to play Neo,
and surprisingly the post-mortem flatulence and rigor mortis produces
results that are Oscar-worthy compared to Keanu Reeves'
interpretation. ZING!
Queer Eye for the Mass Grave: Episode 5
Speaking of flatulence, corpses make great whoopie cushions. Next
time you're throwing a party, stick a corpse under the couch cushions
and wait for the unsuspecting robot to get comfortable. Watch the
robot nervously check his carburetor as he tries to determine where
the sound came from, while his peers spill their gasoline-cocktails
from excessive laughter, but mostly because they're
heavily intoxicated.
And just as the laughter dies down to a few awkward ha-ha's it is
your opportunity to kick the party back into 6th gear, by bringing out
a corpse piņata. Stuff a cherubic corpse with
books, currency, and
any other hors d'oeuvre that you serve at robot parties, and watch as
your guests take out their high-octane rage. Unfortunately, I can't
say I invented the game of human piņata. Apparently humans
low on the
socio-economic scale play the same game with live female humans, but
instead of waiting for sweets to drop, their reward is a fetus.
There you have it, a nice little guide for creative corpse use that
would even make Martha Stewart proud. Remember, for a human to bleed,
requires a robot indeed.
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