A grandma with the x-ray vision upgrade. Outfit by Baby Phat®.
I was baking cookies this morning (a special "Leg, Leg, Arm, Head" recipe I got from human rapper the RZA) when a fax shot out of my chest. It was a letter from my clone, and I read it to two of my human slaves while they cleaned the kitchen floor, which, by the way, was already clean! Oh, I can be so demanding at times. As soon as I started reading I knew just how serious the letter was. It was full of compliments and references to the fleeting nature of life, how moments must be grasped lest they float into oblivion and so on, quite beautiful I must say. And then it hit me: It was a marriage proposal. I was asking myself to marry myself.
Friends are sparse when your face produces more barrels of oil than Saudi Arabia. What a loser.
I was flattered to say the least, and dove straight into serious consideration. Well, that’s only half true. First I dove into the deep end of a pool filled with Canola Oil. But upon consideration, it seemed I had everything a robot could ask for. I was attractive, virile, had a huge metal penis, knew how to pleasure myself and was always willing–even in public places such as libraries and grocery stores– I would never tell my dark secrets, tales far worse than the wake of dead humans I left in Cleveland, I was aware of my nervous ticks and occasional explosive bowel movements, I loved run-on sentences, and where else was I going to find someone eight thousand feet tall? It seemed an easy enough decision, so I accepted via singing telegram and began to arrange the arrangements. But there was a problem.
Because humans do not believe that cloning is ethical, and because no one knows I exist, I was unable to legally marry myself at the local courthouse. After I set the courthouse on fire, I cried an entire river of tears while listening to the Justin Timberlake song "Senorita" on repeat. Gotcha! Moments later I got a fax from one of my clone’s human slaves. My clone had committed suicide, and the wedding was off.
In other news, black humans still can't be quiet during a movie, causing further detriment to human race relations.
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