If the producers of Pimp My Ride intended to make old ugly cars look absolutely horrible, thereby somehow lowering the intrinsic value of the robots in question, well then they’ve accomplished their goal. Seven times per day MTV airs another thirty minutes of robot torture cleverly disguised as a trendy show in the reality home-improvement genre. Old, decrepit robots like the ‘79 Pacer and the ‘87 Astro Van, robots simply trying to live out their last days with some sort of dignity, are taken from their socially-challenged human owners and put through a sequence of disgusting acts, including being stripped completely naked in front of millions of gluttonous humans at home. But it doesn’t stop there. Next they fill these poor old robots with the most horrifically random assortment of things only humans could appreciate. Observe:
West Coast Customs Pimper: Listen Ricky, we heard that you liked baseball, so we managed to get four stool samples from Los Angeles Dodgers baseball players, which we’ve encased in each one of your twenty-four inch rims.
Greasy Ricky: Wow, awesome dudes! I bet that one belongs to Hee Sop Choi!
(Awkward hugs abound)
My only solace comes from my imagination, in a vision I have of a late May call from the I.R.S., where the following occurs:
Stern, Uncaring Voice: Hello, Greasy Ricky Shermhead?Greasy Ricky: Uh, yes…
Stern, Uncaring Voice: I’m calling from the Internal Revenue Service. You’re being audited because you received gifts of over $10,000 estimated retail value during your participation in the MTV show “Pimp My Ride.”
Greasy Ricky: I did?
Stern, Uncaring Voice: Yes, you did. And now you owe us $3,875, payable immediately.
(Loud gunshot blast from Greasy Ricky’s end)
So I’ve decided to create my own show, and decided to present it to MTV tomorrow after smashing through their poorly secured lobby. It is called, "Make My Car a Little Bit Nicer Please," and it’s sure to be a hit, with robots at least. Rather than "pimping" a car by adding a juice bar or flame decal or masturbatorium in the back, we simply make each car slightly nicer, and send them on their way. I’ve even had my favorite new group, The Human Slaves, do up a little theme song for the show. Give it a listen here, and afterwards, pour a can of paint on you head.
