While the rest of America gargled root beer and watched Tivo’d episodes of Tyra Banks’ new talk show, I was doing something positive with my life. I was listening to human music. Here is an open letter to Neil Diamond, the man who’s new CD has changed my life:
Dear Neil,
You newest CD raped my girlfriend and impregnated her with the essence of love. Nine months later an entire ecosystem was born from her bowels. The joy she experienced made her unable to look at the world the same again, and unable to have sex with me, but that’s okay.
Your new CD took my microprocessor out of my robot head, feigned a young human girl’s voice and asked "Is this your brain?" over and over again while smashing it with a baseball bat.
Your new CD mailed my Soul a letter requesting a signature upon delivery, waited near my Soul’s house until the mail came, and just when my Soul was signing for the letter, your new CD snuck inside his house and rearranged all of his furniture according to the principles of Feng Shui.
You new CD dug up my grandfather from his robot grave, disassembled his parts and reassembled him in the shape of serenity. I didn’t even know that serenity had a shape until your new CD called my robot cell phone and left me a message with directions to the effigy.
Your new CD wrote a book called "Trust" on the pages of my heart.
Your new CD fathered all ten of my illegitimate children and didn’t once gripe about the absence of my child support checks or me.
Your new CD did 400,000 hours of community service under an assumed name because your new CD didn’t want the publicity.
Your new CD built a home for Autistic robots out of used Popsicle sticks; somehow managing to leave exposed each and every one of the 1.6 million Popsicle stick jokes.
Your new CD did not succumb to mob mentality during Katrina’s aftermath. Instead, your new CD made sandwiches and read stories to the illiterate humans who weren’t being raped or eaten by the roving bands of cannibalistic sex offenders.
Your new CD, by use of a high frequency sonic wavelength, cleaned 80% of the North American water supply during the playing of track number three. Track number four re-polluted the same supply.
Your new CD organized all of my other CD’s alphabetically, then by date of release, and then finally by a ranking system that I hadn’t even provided it.
Your new CD is great.
Sincerely,
QX7
What has Neil Diamond's CD done for you?
