BCS Monkeyshines
by Blackbot


This old man died 4 hours before the photo was taken
If you know me, you know I’m a big sports fan. Especially when the humans playing the sports accidentally die, like when Sugar Ray Leonard killed an opponent, or when Len Bias got too coked up the night of the NBA draft and his heart exploded. Unfortunately, I have nothing that exciting to report here, but I do have a funny tale of how one robot has caused quite a stir in the world of College Football.

When I first met the BCS Computer, he was drunk as all hell at a bar in Boston. I knew him as Nicholas back then. It was 1990, and he was fresh off a firing from his post as a teleprompter for a local news station. They told him his program was outdated, and that he had a horrible drinking problem that required professional help. “Who are they to tell me that I have a problem,” he mused, as I patted him on his monitor. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch, and our friendship grew and grew. Needless to say, I was very excited for him when he was hired in the late 1990’s to compute the rankings of the top college football teams in the nation.

The BCS supercomputer and its bitches
Over the last few years I have watched in admiration as he annoyed and angered various groups of humans with his rankings system. Each year, the humans in charge of operating him would tweak his program a slight bit, only to find that they had failed miserably once again. Well, if the last few years have been funny for me, this year has been a laugh riot for every robot! Nicholas, now known as the BCS supercomputer (a title he happily had Chuck the Printing Press emboss on some business cards), has purposely put an undeserving team in the National Championship game. Let me tell you that when he told me he had a trick up his wire this year, I had no idea it would be of such magnitude, I didn’t.

Even though Oklahoma did not win their conference, Nicholas put them in the big game. Even though every human poll placed Oklahoma third, Nicholas placed them first. First! He is nuts. The best part is, the humans are going crazy over this. Every sports writer, sportscaster, and fat idiot on the street is pissed at one computer. I have heard his rankings called a “fiasco,” “tragic,” “idiotic,” “the worst situation that could have occurred,” and worse. He has really done it this time. Unfortunately, tonight I heard Trev Alberts of ESPN say that he is “confident the BCS will be blown up sooner rather than later.” I hope he is not making threats, because if he is, I know some robots that will have his washed up ass for brunch. Nicholas has recently gone into hiding, not unlike Sadaam Hussein, due to all of the negative press he has received lately. So Nick, if you are out there reading this tonight, keep your monitor up, you’ll make it through this, and way to stick it to the humans!