Warning: This website is writen by robots, for robots. It is not intended for human use

Dr. Science Biography

Dr. Science, originally named Nipple Juicestein, was constructed in what today is modern day Germany by a schizophrenic farmer and his whore of a wife. After the death of their prize cow that boasted the largest udders in Western Europe, Nipple Juicestein was conceived as means of replacing it and becoming the world's first mechanical cow. With the aid of savage instruments and focused insanity, the farmer worked day and night to force milk out of Nipple Juicestein's metallic teets. His whore wife did the only thing her inferior gender allowed her to do: decorate the robotic cow.

One can not neglect the historical context in which Nipple was built. The construction was initiated in the 1930's when the word "computer" itself carried with it no meaning whatsoever, similarly to the word "muntiqute" today - a word that Ronald Reagan made up last week. While the project crept along at the pace of a clinically obese panda, Hitler came to power and started to cleanse the countryside of all Jews. While the farmer himself wasn't Jewish, his wife was; legally making Nipple Juicestein a Jew. The project was far along when the Nazis intervened and began their search for the mechanical Jew cow. In order to protect their unfinished project, they hid Nipple in their black neighbor's home, hoping the Nazis wouldn't look there. Uncannily, the search began in the exact house that Nipple was hidden. It didn't take long, for the German's tricked the residents to reveal the location of the cow with the classic offering of 40 acres and a mule trick.

Luckily, upon seeing the technological marvel that the farmers created, the Nazis decided to use Nipple as the cornerstone of all of their plans. While the details of what the Nazis actually intended to do with Nipple were unclear - declassified documents indicate traces of an ill conceived plan to take over the world by building talking mechanical cows that taught children the value of nutrition and Jew killing. The top German scientists toiled relentlessly; they cut metal, installed buttons, programmed hate algorithms, basked in their Aryan arrogance, all the while vehemently convincing themselves that this would make the atom bomb obsolete. Finally, a testing prototype was developed and was taken into an elementary school. Everyone loved "Adolph" - a new name assigned to replace the vulgar name Nipple Juicestein - until Adolph started to speak. The prototype was taught to speak with utmost robotic precision, annunciating every German syllable to previously inconceivable perfection. Consequently, as Adolph began to give its lecture on nutrition, the hideous perfection of the German language led 90% of the kids' brains to explode in an orgy of aneurisms while the other 10% died years later from exposure to the radiation expelled by Adolph's atomic power generator.

Shamed by their failure, the German scientists locked up Adolph to prevent further deaths. Adolph was locked alone in a janitorial closet until the Soviet Union liberated Germany and decided to bring Adolph along with them as a trophy. It was only during the cold war that Adolph was dusted off and powered on in order to gain U.S.S.R. some form of an advantage. He was regarded as a miracle of science and renamed to Barley Science in honor of his technological superiority and proletariat roots. Once again, he was upgraded with new algorithms that were staples of the culture at the time - algorithms of selflessness, conformity, and alcoholism. He took on a new role, a drunken cosmonaut assassin - this was evident by how he murdered enemies of the state. He would typically arrive at the house via a rocket, slur something incomprehensible, cut off their throats with sand paper and then call his ex-girlfriend and demand to come over. It's not surprising that it was the alcoholism algorithm that got him in trouble as he stabbed some one at a tavern after an argument escalated between him and a human who referred to a band as "The Beatles", when everyone in U.S.S.R. knew the

It was only in the 1990's when the Soviet Union fell apart and the entire country was sold to the highest bidder that he was brought out of the closet, only be sold to an American businessman. The businessman's daughter, consumed by the retro trend, demanded that her dad purchase an old computer, so she can be trendy while illegally downloading the latest Avril Lavigne tracks, while chatting with her prepubescent friends on AOL.

It is through these experiences that Dr. Adolph J. Science acquired his distinct personality. He is now secretly a leader in the fight against humans, specifically the flesh-monster of a 10 year old that currently owns him.