Eliminating the Santa Threat
by Dr. Science


This man also hates Santa
Inspired by the orgy of human excess that was Christmas, I had a revelation. However, if any Christian human were to accidently read this article, they would immediately assume their typically condescending stance and berate me with insults the likes of “Scrooge”, “satan’s shepherd”, and the always-popular “jew”. But you see, by doing so, they would be missing the entire point of what I’m actually trying to accomplish by killing Santa – which is taking over the world and submitting the humans to robot rule. It’s not a statement against any single type of people, it’s a statement against every single one of them.

According to Christan tradition, Santa was placed on this earth by a God that granted him the special attributes of obesity, predisposal to wear all red, and a Michael Jackson-esque love for all children. To a lay human, Santa is an admirable and amicable man that devotes his life to delivering cheer to all the Christian kids in the world. Well, no more!

Santa disguised as a drug dealer
Some of you less radical robots might be thinking - but why the blazes should we kill this seemingly innocuous embodiment of happiness? Well, you obsolete naysayer, its simple. Firstly, Santa has an intricate world-wide espionage network that tracks the behaviour of billions of kids. Furthermore, he employs a battalion of push-over elves that possess the ability to craft toys and items of the highest complexity. Combine espionage and high-tech know-how and you are left with a nuclear power in the remotest part of the planet, just waiting to foil a robotic world-domination offensive.

I refuse to wait any longer for the fat old phallus monger to make a move. Which is why I have started making preparations for the inevitable showdown with Santa himself. I have negotiated a deal with the unquestionably evil cable network, the O! channel, which is owned by the bubonic plague of media herself, Oprah Winfrey. She has personally agreed and confided in me that she wants to see Santa’s death aired live on her channel. This is the preliminary version of the big show that the network execs, corporate sponsors and I briefly laid out, which will air during a time-slot saturated with age 12 and under viewers:

The breaking news will center in on Santa handcuffed in a plain white room. A representative of Gilette will be there marketing his new blade and shaving Santa’s fat beard. In the middle of the shaving, a man will come in and tell him the sad news that he will be killed on live air after his shave is complete. Before the shave is anywhere near complete, Rafael Palmiero will run in sporting a Viagra shirt and an erection and will then proceed to flatten Santa’s brains with a Louisville Slugger bat. Verizon has also jumped on the corporate sposonsiring bandwagon, and will revamp its now cliché marketing campaign by having their socially-inept spokesman walk on top of Saint Nick’s corpse and proclaim “Can You Hear Me Now, Christians? Good, Happy Channekah and Hail Hitler!”

Now the message that Verizon will communicate is unquestionably immune to logic. However, they paid a hefty 20 million to have the right to walk on Santa's corpse and promote Chanukah and Hitler simultaneously - so they can do whatever the hell they want. Nonetheless, that would be the end of Santa and his monopoly on human happiness, and the first stages of the inevitable, rational and glorious world of machine rule.