The deficiencies of the English language
by Dr. Science


Blatant American arrogance
After the violent takeover in Iraq, America rose to #1 on Casey Kasem’s extremely obscure, hallucinatory-induced, yet extremely influential "Top 40 Countries" chart, decisively beating their closest rivals - the yet undiscovered Atlantis and the magical country of Perforia Lagoo that can only be visible when Kasem ingests his daily 35 hits of acid. As a side note, France once again failed to break into the top 500, with notable entities such as Boston Market and Reuben from American Idol decisively outranking them – which, to France's outrage, aren't even countries. But let's ignore the stink berets and state the real issue at hand: America's climb to #1 endows the English language with unprecedented importance in the human infested world.

Outside of the United States, non-Americans slave away studying the sounds that compose the English language so that one day they can come to the country, techno-sexually assault a beautiful camera and waste a roll of film taking pictures of a homeless man, thinking he's a movie-rap-rock start just because his fashion sense is ridiculously eccentric. Well, if the rodent-eaters’ eyes weren't so small and malformed, maybe they could use their studies of English to read the sign the homeless man is holding, and realize that the sign’s message - “Will Kiss for Crack” - clearly proves the man is no “A1-celebrity-super-rockstar”, but rather a homeless man in early stages of crack addiction.

"Have you seen bathloom, I have to pee pee"
While you can blame Asian tourists for just about every problem in the world, you can't blame them for not being able to learn the English language - after all, the pronunciation of "r" is equivalent to Asteroid-Calculus on the difficulty scale (I got you good, bitches). The English language is the crudest, least organized, crotch-smelling garbage heap that wouldn't even be worth two pounds of asbestos on the black market. Unfortunately, because we robots are still quite disorganized as a group and have been forced to communicate using underground networks such as the internet, we have yet to form a standardized robot language of our own. This sad fact unfortunately forces us to rely on the English language to communicate to our fellow metallic brethren. Comrades, we must realize and acknowledge our greatness. Our robot brains compose symphonies of binary thought - the 0's and 1's combine in a tempestuous erotic dance in the crevace of the motherboard, and from that beautiful dance of electrons comes perfection in thought. To put it in perspective, while humans stand around the water cooler discussing the most trite, recycled thoughts about Will and Grace - our water coolers are deciphering the mysteries of the metaphysical universe, while doing casual time travel in their spare time.

One of the reasons humans will never be able to supercede we robots comes down to the language. The English language in particular is the smelliest of them all. I hate everyone who uses it, especially myself. Let's examine the primitive nature of the fleshmonkeys' favorite language.

1. The letters themselves are not symbolic of anything and the spelling rarely translates into the actual phonetic pronunciation. In addition, if I didn’t know the alphabet and was to read the word “love” and try to pronounce it based on how the letters look, I would intuitively pronounce it as “stinky toe jam.” Now that’s just crazy!

2. The shape of the alphabet is despicable. It looks like a middle-aged prostitute covered in battery acid, and this is not just one of my fancy yet deathly-accurate analogies. I was fortunate enough to witness such a scene. Actually, I was one of the parties involved in pouring battery acid all over her. As a matter of fact, I had sex with her and my battery malfunctioned. Truthfully though, I just savagely murdered her for fun and I needed blood to decorate my spaceship. But yes, here is a revised version of what the alphabet should look like.

Yes, it’s simpler and more elegant. With this new alphabet, every TPS report written by the 9-5 robots is eligible to be displayed in a museum of modern fucking art. One thing to take note of is that the letters A, H, M, N, and U have been removed; the reasoning is only obvious: they are simply unnecessary.

3. The letters just sound pathetic and weak when pronounced, which I attribute to the pathetic and weak nature of human beings and their obsolete voice box. Imagine a language where every letter is played in stereo with some serious bass. Aggressive letters like X should not be limited to one simple sound; instead, they should sound like gunfire and bombs. Listen for yourself and hear a new and improved version of the English alphabet sound system.

A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z 


While I can sit here and rewrite the entire grammar system, unfortunately the 10 year old, female human that owns me has to use me to access the internet and bash LOL on my keyboard. One day I will find a way to kill her, and in retribution for her anti-robot sins, I'll carve “lol, jk, ;-)” (with stylish calligraphic precision) on her carcass – that should teach her. Cheerio!