Humans of the Week: Donald Trump and Jacobs the Jeweler
by Blackbot


"Pay up for the rub and tug, Mr. Trump"
Well it’s hard times for the humans in America. People are dying overseas, the economy seems to have stalled permanently, the country continues to slip ever further into a caste system, and everyone wishes they were gay. Well let me tell you of some American humans for whom the sun always shines: Donald Trump and Jacob the Jeweler. These white men are making money and keeping it funny at the same time, and that is to be envied by human and robot alike. You might think that a human succeeding would anger a robot, and it does for the most part. But when two humans such as these are examined, we find that they are actually damaging human culture to a higher level than that of the excitement they get from receiving $5,000 handjobs. And put simply, that makes us happy.

Go on young man, empower your community
Because both Jacob the Jeweler and Donald Trump exemplify all that there is to love about America, they are in a tie for the honor of human of the week. Both came from meager beginnings, the kind of meager beginnings that allow young humans to do things like enroll in jewelry design school and make major real estate purchases. They look very strange, love self publicity, and wouldn’t turn down a dollar from a jobless robot. Despite all of their similarities, they have one striking difference: Donald takes advantage of old money white people, while Jacob takes advantage of new money black people. Besides that, it’s really all the same game. Trump names buildings after himself, so when you live in one you have to constantly refer to him. Jacob names watches after himself, so when you’re wearing one you have to constantly say his name too! Like G-Unit rapper Young Buc says: “The ice on the Jacob Watch make a broke nigga hate somethin’, so I got to keep the four fifth with no safety button.” You see? If another black man is jealous of your watch, make sure you have a 45 magnum ready to kill him. Just like if another rich white man is trying to take your piece of property, you should ruin his life somehow. Donald neglects any rational thought of fixing his hair, instead focusing on bilking elderly Floridians out of their old Northern pension money at the Mar-a-lago. Meanwhile, Jacob pampers his hair with expensive cream while focusing on how to convince Tupac’s mom to buy a watch for her son’s corpse. You see America, you’re fired.*

*Pending Mr. Trump’s trademark of the phrase. Afterwards you will simply be “let go.”