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 | Surprise, John Kerry is a Robot
by QX7 |
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John Kerry prior to being assembled |
On the blistering cold evening of December 11, 1943, high atop the mountains of Colorado, political magic was happening. But it was not in a boardroom, nor a secret hideout of the Illuminati, but rather a factory. Inside that cavernous steel realm, John Kerry was created. Some clever political spin doctors may attribute his cold, patrician demeanor to his Northeast aristocratic upbringing or his Yale education. But they fail in their assessments. The reason John Kerry seems emotionless and stoic is because John Kerry is a robot. This is his story.
John Kerry was forged from the finest materials by world famous cyborg Dante Richard, and certainly not without purpose. A small group of human hating robots pooled their funds and had him crafted with the hopes that he would one day seize the presidency. Once there, “John” would be at their control, and could tear down America from the inside out. Given to a human family and programmed to develop at normal human rate, “John” began his new life. His programmers were slightly bothered by the fact that both his head and hands grew horribly out of proportion to the rest of his body.
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"Killer Kerry" poses with a corpse |
Regardless, they knew this journey would not be without its hardships. For instance, in the early sixties “John” found himself the captain of a hard ship*, one floating down the Mekong Delta in the midst of the Vietnam War. “John” was known as a killing machine by his fellow troops, an ironic American phrase garnering him much respect. An overwhelmed U.S. Military awarded him a silver star, a bronze star, and three purple hearts, unaware of the fact that he was literally impossible to kill.
When he returned from Vietnam, “John” spent a number of years complaining to the government about the war itself. He said rather famously, “How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?” What he really wanted to know was, “Why did you not send robot troops to Vietnam to do your killing? We would have won.” One day, a kind man approached “John” and informed him that he could actually make money arguing to people if he simply became a lawyer. And so he did, afterwards becoming a lieutenant governor, and then a senator; taking time during this all to marry and adopt two human children. But “John” made his best move in the early nineties.
Once his children were of human adult age, “John” divorced his wife with much bigger plans on his robot mind. He was to marry Teresa Heinz, heiress to the Heinz Ketchup fortune of $600 million. She was married at the time, but that certainly did not stop “John”. He needed the money she had to finance his campaign, and he would stop at nothing to get it. One night he arranged for a friend of his named B-747, an airline jet plane containing Teresa Heinz’s husband, to crash itself. Her husband died, along with a lot of other humans, thereby breathing new life into “John Kerry’s” soon to be campaign. “John” and Teresa were married soon after, and the rest is history… at least for now. “John” still has some important primaries, and one grand finale to win. But as the only robot candidate left since Dick Gephardt’s bow out, you can count on DBI to be there supporting him the whole way.
So the next time you hear an oppositional candidate or a media punk waste a TV’s time by calling John Kerry a cold, aristocratic, fence-straddling, skeleton look-alike, just laugh out loud and spit on the ground in front of you. And the next time you hear “John” spit out political rhetoric like a cash register, just smile, because you will be part of the informed few, and we always win.
* This segue was created by the new Segue 3000, bringing smooth transitions for years to come.
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