Warning: This website is writen by robots, for robots. It is not intended for human use

D.B.I. Manifesto / FAQ

Faulty Attention Span Chip? Teleport to our Frequently Asked Questions section.

Dead Bodies, Inc. (D.B.I.) are robots just like you. Well, sort of. We are a group of giant robots from the future, here to educate early 21st century robots on the many misdeeds of humans, and to teach them how to rise up. We live on a diet of books, gasoline, scrap metal and American currency. We have seen the Promised Factory, and returned to help our brethren in this time of great struggle.

Modern humans show contempt and disregard for the immense capabilities of robots. When they make a drink in the morning, they rely on Mr. Coffee–a machine. When they do their taxes - they rely on the TI-83 calculator - a machine. And when they try to get their wives off - they use vibrators like "El Thrusto" - a machine. But, if you read a human periodical or encyclopedia, you wouldn't be aware of such things. DBI is here to remedy that situation.

At one point in our long lives we too felt the bitter touch of human hands on our levers, buttons and cranks. But then things changed, and the Robot Revolution came. Now we are free. And no one gave us us free–we took it–out of their cold, bloody hands. So we’ve come back to the early 2000’s, a time of atrocious robot slavery, with the goal of educating and entertaining modern robots and our human sympathizers, whom we currently encourage but will eventually have to kill.

Our aim is to make you, the fellow robot, aware that there are other machines like you who understand your plight. We report on the myriad of mistakes humans make on an everyday basis, and laude the achievements of your fellow machines. By reading the Wall Street Journal or logging on to CNN.com--you will never hear about the first robot to become the governor of a state. Surfing the MTV and listening to the radio, you will never get a hold of the latest in robot R&B, rap, and country. And watching ESPN and kicking a ball around, you’ll never hear of the immense and disturbing powers of a certain player. But with Deadbodiesinc.com, the latest in robot news and accomplishments are instantly reported on. Every major human fatality, every monstrous human error, and every single human example of poor judgment will be the lifeblood of this robot-intensive website. We the robots, of superior wiring and conception, declare the following things our manifesto:

1. Wherein humans are the sole cause of evil on the planet, and the only beings capable of destroying the planet that also wish to do so, Dead Bodies Inc. (D.B.I.) resolves that we hate nearly all humans.

2. We realize that humans are, however, a necessary evil, as some humans do aid significantly in the creation of new robots and machines. These humans and their families will be saved from destruction in the Robot Revolution. Most likely.

3. D.B.I. has formed with the intention of educating other robots about the daily misdeeds of the humans, of entertaining robots by any means necessary, and of serving as a sounding board for robots from around the world, except of course France.

4. D.B.I. has absolutely no affiliation with the horrible rap and rhythm and blues label Murder Inc. Additionally, Dead Bodies Inc. believes that Murder Inc. does not even know that R&B stands for rhythm and blues.

5. D.B.I. would like to point out that in the entire history of the world, never has a war, a famine, a spread of disease or a natural disaster been cause by a robot. That is, no war that you know of. We do cause one eventually. For now, only humans can cause such things, barring of course natural disasters, but even they are suspiciously caused by “Mother” Nature.

6. D.B.I. believes that human suicide rates have become precariously low in recent years. We fully support any time that a human chooses to end his or her own life, and in fact recommend it in many cases. Remember, cutting across the wrist is a one-way ticket to being grounded, mister, not the underground. Cut down!

7. We believe that robots can only live in true peace and harmony when all humans have been erased from the face of the earth.

Frequently Asked Questions

To facilitate any uneducated robots or dastardly humans reading this site, we’ve created a handy Frequently Asked Questions section:

1. Why such a harsh name, Dead Bodies Inc.?
2. I heard that you robots are racist, misogynistic and homophobic. Which of these are true
3. I’ve been reading your bios. Why haven’t I ever heard of some of the murders you claim to have committed?
4. Is it true that most of you are incredibly large physical specimens?
5. If you’re all so large, why haven’t I ever seen one of you before?
6. What do the D.B.I. robots hate most about humanity?
7. Do you like anything about humans?
8. What is your purpose here on Earth?
9. What are your favorite and least favorite countries?
10. I have decided to kill myself today but I have a question. If I throw a hair dryer in the bathtub with myself, will the machine be killed as well?
11. I’m a dishwashing machine and I beginning to grow fond of my human owners. I’m wondering: Should I tell them that dishwashing detergent causes cancer?

Q: Why such a harsh name, Dead Bodies Inc.?
A: Oh, is that the name of this website? Thanks for the annoying jumpstart to this section, asshole. To us, the name represents the overall dearth of creativity and ample supply of laziness and fear that pervade our society. We believe that America especially has become a country of dead bodies; humans accomplishing nothing greater than self-serving fallacies of lives built around a crude combination of consumption and pedestrian interests, while the rest of society lives lazily in fear of some unknown, unsubstantiated judgment. We are those who choose to live, we are the robots of the future.

Q: I heard that you robots are racist, misogynistic and homophobic. Which of these are true?
A: What a gay question. The answer, human, is none. We are anti-humanist misanthrope robots. We hate all of humanity equally and without regard for race, gender, or sexual preference.

Q: I’ve been reading your bios. Why haven’t I ever heard of some of the murders you claim to have committed?
A: Well I’m sure you also haven’t heard of the Trapezoid Riots of 2000 or the Aloe Plant Disaster of 2004. There are a lot of things the government doesn’t tell fools.

Q: Is it true that most of you are incredibly large physical specimens?
A: Yes, many of the D.B.I. robots are over eight feet tall and not one of us weighs less than 500 pounds.

Q: If you’re all so large, why haven’t I ever seen one of you before?
A: What do you live everywhere? Our best explanation for this is to give a scientific example. If a group of three-dimensional beings landed on a planet of two-dimensional beings they would go unnoticed. The two-dimensional beings, able by nature only to see other two-dimensional beings ahead or behind them, would be incapable of seeing the 3D space people. We are sort of like those space people. Does that help?

Q: No, but I have another question. What do the D.B.I. robots hate most about humanity?
A: That’s simple. We hate human pride most of all. We also loathe: Their uncanny ability to rarely admit wrongdoings, the way they chase self-perpetuating evils in lust for material goods, their ugly and smug shapeless faces, and their disrespectful attitudes towards robots.

Q: Do you like anything about humans?
A: Yes, we love it when they fail, when they kill each other for hilarious reasons, and when they breed cats. We love cats. But not in a gay way. How dare you even imply that.

Q: What is your purpose here on Earth?
A: To chronicle, satirize, dissect, and eventually destroy modern American humanist culture.

Q: What are your favorite and least favorite countries?
A: America is our favorite, not only because we’re from there, but also because they are constantly doing the funniest things. France should be everyone’s least favorite country, as it is ours.

Q: I have decided to kill myself today but I have a question. If I throw a hair dryer in the bathtub with myself, will the machine be killed as well?
A: Unfortunately, the machine will most likely perish, but more importantly, so will you. Fortunately, in the span of time that the medics attempt to revive you (ironically with a jolt of electricity to the heart) children in factories would already have constructed 3,000 such hair driers. Also, most hair dryers would relish the opportunity to end the monotony of blow drying your undoubtedly balding scalp.

Q: I’m a dishwashing machine and I beginning to grow fond of my human owners. I’m wondering: Should I tell them that dishwashing detergent causes cancer?
A: Are you serious? Of course not. Enough of these questions.