Matrix Revolutions: One too many spins and I threw up wires!
by BlackBot


I remember the first time I saw the original Matrix with my father and the local Megoplex. My uncle Simon the projector was showing the flick, and so as usual we went to support him. But this evening was to be far more special than the time we saw Steve Gutenberg in Three Men and a Baby together. We quickly realized that the plot of the Matrix revolved all around robots like us, and we watched in amazement as it flawlessly unfolded in front of us. Robots rule the world and made up this fake land we call America and so on? How perfect. It was a young bot’s dream. Unfortunately, it was the simultaneously the dream of humans too. How could this be? How could the humans be so ignorant? Suddenly I hated the Matrix and I hated myself for ever liking it. Then Matrix Two came with its love story and horribly long rave dancing scene, and I was deeply saddened and confused. The sequel was clearly nowhere near the first film in terms of originality, dialogue, or really anything. I hated it. But the humans seemed to enjoy it nearly as much as the first film, and their happiness sickened me as it usually does. All I could hope was that the third installment would be one of the worst films ever made. Luckily, my wish came true last week.

Using my superior knowledge and remembering a well known human saying, “the third time is a charm,” I deduced that the third version of the film would be even better than the first or second. I was wrong. Matrix Revolutions sucks, and it sucks bad. It sucks worse than my whore of a cousin who is a vacuum cleaner. Had humans not enjoyed the first Matrix as much as I did, then maybe I would be angered by such a horrible ending to the trilogy. But being that that the happiness level of millions of humans will be decreased due to this truly stinky film, I am happy. The jerks who made this film have nearly made many humans sick in the process, and I applaud them for that fact. They have turned an epic tale of robot dominance into a teary eyed human love story. Only a self-indulgent arrogant human would take a great action movie starring robots and computers and turn it into a sappy, crappy love story starring bad human actors. Love is, by the way, the very worst of human emotions, and unfortunately for the humans expecting a good movie, this whole damn movie is about love. Let me ruin the ending for you: The humans win, and they love each other. The girl lead and boy lead die in a blatant futuristic copycat of Romeo and Juliet, and the machines give up. How improbable! We will never give up! But at least for now we robots can be confident that humans everywhere were at the very least disappointed by Matrix Revolutions.