Sinister Thoughts: That's a Nice Fetus You Got There
by Dr. Science


A French marine in training
If my olfactory sensors don’t mistake me, the distinct stench of Spring is in the air. The smell reminds me of Angelica, a French whore I once met during the German military campaign I took part in – a delicate combination of rotting flowers, and blooming ghonnoreaha. She was the most marvelous human specimen I’ve ever seen - so wildly different from everyone else, I short circuited in technosexual angst everytime I laid my optic sensors on her. Her hair was long since gone, but her mathematical prowess more than made up for her lack of cranial hair. However, the limbs, or lack thereof, were what drove me wild about her. So beautiful she was, she inspired a recurring dream in me where we would just slither (due to her limbless state, that is the way she was forced to travel) through the jungle, plant kisses on each other and smile. It was at that time I picked up one of my favorite hobbies: aesthetic cleansing – where I would destroy everything ugly in the world and replace it with something beautiful. You have to keep in mind that at the time, I wasn’t mature enough to realize that killing all humans is the answer to every problem. Instead, I was held captive by the idealism that usually accompanies a young under-programmed robot. Thus, during that fateful summer - that summer of love, that summer of war, that summer of Angelica - in an effort to be surrounded by beauty at all times, I removed my first set of limbs.

Unfortunately, Angelica broke up with me before we were able to consummate our relationship. Well, technically, she didn’t break up with me since I never spoke to her in the first place, but she did die after I buried her alive. However, the ephiphany came when I dug her corpse out of the dirt – and that’s when I realized: she was even prettier dead. There’s the free lesson, fellow robot, no matter how attached you are to your human ‘friend’ - they’re much better friends when they are dead anyways. Not convinced? Feel free to come over and check my walk-in freezer sometime.