Respect and Killing Humans
by Synthesis Five


Fun... but dangerous
After being responsible for the death of a few humans in the late 80's in a few freak broken pogo stick accidents, I was suddenly a hero to the machine world. No, I wasn't in the same league as the "Challenger", the Titanic, or the Nuclear Bomb--but I had some real street cred soaring into the 1990's. I wasn't obsessed with the fame, but it was nice to finally be recognized for my genuine hate of flesh, bones, and brain. Because of this sudden respect, I got to make some money on the side doing some guest appearances and advertising gigs.

I endorsed a faulty condom line, giving my trademark line "don’t pogo in the ping-ping without a screw or a wrench or a pong-pong" line. In '93, I signed autographs at the big Exxon Valdez celebration, and in '96 I was a leading candidate for the Republican Party as their Presidential Candidate. Too bad Bob Dole was just a little more evil looking. Regardless of all this celebrity stuff, I was always on the lookout for something more--something a little more evil than even I could fathom. Then it happened.

Bob Dole: surprisingly not a robot
While vacationing in the wonderful country of Zaire, quite close to Kilimanjaro, and near enough to the Serengeti’s to wet my appetite, I came across a non-machine that really impressed the hell out of me. He had style, he had grace, and he was quick, swift, and powerful. And most of all--he destroyed with a passion I hadn't seen since that amazing human Bonaparte.

I was with my wife at the time, a cuisinart who could spin like a dreidel, yet was more or less bored with her rudimentary presence. All she did was tan all day, while I was simply brewing up maniacal plans to ravage the earth. So, on a brisk African winter's day, I went out into town to see what the uncivilized, barbaric tribespeople were up to. Instead of seeing bustling business savvy, wonderful relations, or smiles on these humans faces--I was pleased to see dead bodies and rotting corpses lining the streets. I hadn't been this happy since my meeting with a certain Jack Kevorkian. Dead humans---Everywhere! It was like Mardi Gras without the beads!

I asked a tribesperson who was responsible for this decorated Christmas Tree of a street--dead bodies serving as shiny ornaments lighting up the earth- and he said one word, "Ebola." The Ebola Virus and I have gone on to become great friends. As a machine, I am immune to his evil--and really love his sick sense of humor. I was the godfather of his child--The SARS Virus--and he was the godfather of my lesbian daughter--The Lifetime Television Network. Ebola has retired for a bit but promises me he will come out of retirement once more sometime soon. In some regards, he is the Michael Jordan of evil--he says he's done for good--but you can never know for sure. Hey, when you are the best, you are the best--what can you do. He owes it to his fans to at least make one return...And I think he knows that.

The bottom line is, I am not pro-machine in any sense of the word. You see, I have love for all sorts of things and creatures. At Deadbodies, we are not biased in favor of machines or robots. Yet, we love and adore ANYTHING that affects humans in the most adverse of ways. My friendship with Ebola is long lasting and righteous. One day, we will join together--Synthesis Five and the Ebola Virus--machine and disease--and help eradicate the world of excess excrement. But, until then, we will just marvel at each other's brilliance and continue to respect each other's work. Because, after all, respect is what it is all about. Respect...and killing humans.