I've Been Doing This Since the Merger
by Lemon Fresh Cool Sprocket


Original thetruth.com logo
Did you know that cigarettes were bad for humans? Because until this robot visited The-Group-Of-Inbred-Cousins-Who-Epitomize-Everything-I-Hate-About-Humans.com, also known as TheTruth.com, I had no idea that cigarettes caused lung cancer and other adverse health effects in humans. Fucking dullards. Some of you humans are really trying the collective patience of the Deadbodies staff. A website dedicated to making humans aware that smoking is bad for them? Are you serious? You can’t be serious? You’re really fucking serious, aren’t you? Stop it. This is how you cretins choose to live your insignificant lives? A situation this remarkably retarded has to be more complex. Don’t worry kidbots, Professor Sprocket got his figurative dick wet and fucked this ghastly social conundrum right in the ass, exposing the “social reformists” of TheTruth.com for the hapless losers they really are.

All-American whore
Let’s start by trying to understand the obvious. Why would a bunch of young humans waste the glory days of their youth to start and perpetuate a cause as unintelligent as TheTruth.com? I mean in the 1950’s when pregnant women were lighting up and Frank Sinatra was ashing his cigarette on the naked back of Marilyn Monroe while she bobbed back and forth over his and JFK’s slip n slide, I could understand the human need for an organization dedicated to increasing public awareness about the negative health effects of tobacco. Of course, as a human hating robot I would, and did in fact, do everything in my power to ensure an organization like this never formed. And, to my enjoyment, I watched as millions of humans died from smoking cigarettes. Then the pesky government stepped in and forced the tobacco companies to put warnings on cigarette packs, human doctors released reports linking tobacco to cancer, public school systems forced 8th grade gym teachers, comprised of Vietnam veterans ironically addicted to Asian whores and cigarettes, to tell their students that, despite what the cool kids in remedial classes told them, smoking equals early death, and needless to say, the American public got the fucking point. At first it seemed as Lurgen “cig” cigarette, our fearless robot ally, had been defeated, but, as humans disregarded health warnings and continued to die from smoking, I knew that robots had a human killing friend more reliable and durable than the combined efforts of bubonic plague spreading rats and the suicide inducing, for lack of a better word, band, Creed. This history serves as evidence for my initial disbelief about the existence of TheTruth.com. Incredibly, as a self proclaimed human hating and mocking machine I show more respect for the collective intelligence of humans than the patronizing pricks from TheUmma,DidYaKnowDatSmokenDaStikDingsIssaBadFoYa.com. The question still remains: why did TheTruth.com choose to be such an easy fucking target?

This plant, set ablaze, makes humans feel different
Now, along with TheTruth.com a separate ad campaign is infecting our poor brother television. You may have seen those hilarious anti-marijuana commercials depicting ridiculously stereotyped stoners driving 80 miles per hour out of a fast food establishment and crashing into an all-American little girl who has pigtails, a heart of gold and is riding a red, white and blue tricycle. Priceless. First of all, at one point in my existence I was a 1987 Ford Pinto and I happened to be in a situation where two stoned teenagers had no money to pay for a meal at a fast food drive thru. They slowly searched their pockets for five minutes, repeatedly adjusted the volume of the radio as if the act would produce currency, forgot what they were looking for, found a Michael J. Fox bobble head doll under the seat, foresaw his Parkinson’s Disease and laughed uncontrollably for the next week. Unfortunately, I did not send some little girl on a red, white and blue tricycle flying into oblivion. But I digress. The root of these weed-slandering commercials is easily traced. President Bush and his conservative goons simply want to teach us how not to stunt. Annoying, but nevertheless fathomable. Now, TheTruth.com appears to have some political aspirations, or at least they claim to have a social conscious. Is that why they created this cry for attention? No. I meticulously combed their website and, ironically, found my answer for the existence of TheTruth.com in the Question and Answer section. Read, as truth becomes all to clear.

What is wrong little stinker?
Nicole, who must be home-schooled by insane Mormons, sent this question to TheTruth.com: “on one of ur T-shirts that I got from u it says something in Spanish. I think it says Puella la Verdad. What does that mean in English? Nicole” TheTruth.com responded with: “Wouldn’t it be funny if it meant, ‘I’ve got tremendous diarrhea.’ Or, ‘Could someone do me a favor and please kick my butt.’ Using other languages can be fun that way. We think you are talking about a piece of gear with a skull and crossed keys that says, ‘Suelta la Verdad,’ which means, ‘Let the truth be free.’ You must’ve come out to see one of our trucks this summer at Lollapalooza, The Vans Warped Tour, The And One Mix Tape Tour, or Hot Import Nights.” Now, try to disregard the fact that Nicole emailed TheTruth.com to ask what a certain Spanish phrase meant in English and the fact that TheTruth.com posted this particular question, one of six posted on their website, for their readers to…learn from? Have you kidbots figured out why these humans started the TheTruth.com? It’s written in bold. Like 95 percent of Emory University TheTruth.com humans were picked on in human high school! That’s right. Instead of going on a killing spree to absolve their low self-esteem they decided to annoy all of America with a pointless website. “I’ve got tremendous diarrhea.” Come on. And you thought you faggot dork douche rocket squirrel fuckers could slip by this robot. Not a chance. Since this article prevents me from killing you without punishment I have decided to create human looking offspring in each of your towns and program them to relentlessly heckle your children. Maybe your nerd kids can grow up and make a website telling us that fucking spinach is green. Or that Columbus didn’t initially set out to find the Americas…it just kind of happened. Schmucks. Finally, and I have not been able to confirm this, but there is a rumor flying around the robotworld that you morons are from New Jersey. MTV has done enough to exploit this poor state, please, kill yourselves and apologize for this debacle of a website in your respective suicide notes. Maybe you can do it in Spanish, using language to explain why you need to hang yourself can be fun that way.