Torque Movie Review
by Blackbot


"When we think about the causes of 'global warming', what commonly comes to mind are gas-guzzling cars and smoke-spewing industrial processes. But a lion's share of the pollutants that cause global warming are attributable to architecture ... dude."
What is that you say? The creators of “XXX,” “The Fast and the Furious,” and “SWAT” have made a new film? Take me there now! That was all I needed to say to receive my ride to the local Googleplex and watch a film shown by an old high school buddy of mine, Rick the Projector. By the film’s end, I knew why America needed to be destroyed. Torque has everything.

When they wrote Torque, the writers must have been as drunk as Colin Farrel’s mick-ass when he let Britney Spears give him a snowball at the Viper Room. But whoever cast this film is equally to blame. Ice Cube, former member of a rap group called Niggers With Attitudes, is clearly well aware of his people’s troubled past. I can tell this by the movie roles he chooses, always cleverly avoiding being typecast as a dumb, angry black man. In Torque, he simply plays an angry black man, and a motorcycle gang leader. Ice Cube wants to avenge a death of a black friend, referred to earlier in the film as “some street punk.” To do this, he must first pass through the land of stereotypes and obligatory castings.

Jamie Pressly, fresh off a Playboy photo shoot, plays a skank whore of a motorcycle enthusiast. The directors have her kiss another woman at one point, so watch out America! And for you brand propagators, she fights another girl while they both stand in front of giant Pepsi and Mountain Dew signs. Awesome! Next a Chinese gang rides up on motorcycles powered by rice and soy sauce. They fight a Mexican gang, but are defeated when the gritty, virile Mexicans spice them to death. The movie ends when all of the minority stereotypes have been fulfilled in the eyes of a very, very wealthy white Hollywood human. Go America go.

Dead Bodies Inc. Disclaimer: Blackbot Jones has not actually seen the movie Torque, but he has seen the preview numerous times, and is highly skilled at assuming things.