Worst Night of My Life
by Synthesis Five


Nine months later, the lies and promiscuity have caught up with her
I was lucky enough to run my fingers through a chickenhead trash disposal last year. Besides the fact that she's a slut like the rest of the trash disposals on the block and gave me brain, she had something inside of her that was magnificently terrible. It was an issue of "SEVENTEEN" magazine, a collaboration of pictures and words for dumb human adolescent females. The magazine glamorized the horrendous ritual known as "The High School Prom". Intrigued by the power and grace of the limousines I saw in the background, I needed to check one of these shitfests out.

So, in early April, I took Teresa, my pseudo girlfriend/pseudo machine. As a protractor, she's got the workings of a machine, what with her shortcut possibilities and mechanical design--but the look of a human toy. Whatever, she is a slut when she drinks, so I figured she'd be a good prom date. As the night began, it was awkward as hell. We were taking pictures with her parents, and I got real nervous and bugged out. Her parents were asking me about college, life, all that shit. Man, I'm a machine--there is no college, there is no art, there is no sunshine for me. Her parents were real rich and WASPY, talking all about math, religion, and the latest bestsellers. I was sick of it. And the pictures were an abomination. You couldn't even see her face, because the fucking corsage was bigger than her ass.

A rough sketch of my date to the prom
The limo ride was decent, but nothing special. They fucked up with the stretch escalade I asked for, and gave us some bullshit Grand Marquise. And then, the bitch decided she didn't want to drink...She thought she'd get suspended from school. She is a protractor. She doesn't fucking go to school. So stupid. Anyway, I'm getting laced, and she's sober as shit. Gay. We get dropped off at the local high school prom, and obviously I heard the whispers, "A robot took a protractor?" I know our town is old fashioned--but the dirty looks Teresa got for being of a different type of machine were garbage.

But, as the night went on, I got drunker and drunker. People started rumors that I was going to win Prom King. I was blushing a lot, but no one knew because I am silver and made of tin.

Of course, though, Johnny Johnson the quarterback won prom king. I was furious. And then, out of nowhere, TERESA my protractor, my date, my machine--WON PROM QUEEN. Great! So they started dancing to Nick Lachey's "I swear" and I was just sitting in the corner drinking a can of lighter fluid and cursing to myself.

Teresa went home with Johnny, I took the limo home alone, and had the worst night a machine could ever have! When I got home, all of my porn mags were gone, my weed was nowhere to be found, and my Diary was completely torn apart! My parents rampaged through my room.

The prom was the worst night of my life...I hate humans.